Wow, its like 5am and im here to blog randomly... just felt like it. was reading up my life posts previously and seems i made kinda some effed up immature narrations of my life. well, a very angsty part of me tends to spouts nonsense and i guess i need to change it. anyways, not to bother about previous posts, I am just quite tired of the exams, its still in my mind that I screwed up calculus, due to lack of proper time management and bad planning. its just my fault, simply no one to blame but myself.
For these past few days,
I think that self-reflection is often necessary to create a barrier to stop u in ur tracks and check what have u been doing so far. Me? Kinda effed up attitude, but still changing myself for the better, hope to whine lesser, and of course, open up in my character.. being open-minded makes u far less inclined to be angry. What sparks me to think of such stuffs was when I went to my sec school fren's 21st, we were reminiscing wif the old days, nvr really serious, finding fault with the teachers and etc. Life just fly past u without remorse. haha, just like that. But well, u gotta move ahead and nvr regret what has passed. well, nid to sleep now, zzzz
Life, as it has always been, a rush factor. Many reasons account for this observation.Let's take a look at our current lives :
study Uni
Work
relationship
frenship
etc...
The above 3 was wad I have juggling with except for work. Uni seems to go okay for me.
But when its about the other 2 human to human relation, I admit I sucked at it.
I do realise and I admit that I am an extremely sensitive man. However, i account to
myself that I have always treated people I care about with utmost concern. I previously ranted
about brothers. I used to believe if u were in trouble, your brothers would be there to save you.
In fact the consistent amount of unwavering care and concern comes from your family and ONLY your family. now, daryl wasn't the first I had judged wrongly. Jacob, Xu Kang, Freeman and jackson are all my mistakes. Why do I always make such terrible mistakes? I do prove that i lack independence. Yes. I hate feeling so soft. It makes me weak and to the extent that I am childish. You meant to tell me your time is precious and mine is not? Want to ask me go out then call, not happy attitude me. When i am so busy with work and i put in effort to plan to meet your,
wad attitude your gimme? Its always: you go ask the rest.
If all the people tell me this, then, wad conclusion do i get? Knn, i just wasted my fone bills on redundant calls. Xu kang, u still got the guts to tell me I noe the answer that u will say go ask the rest. Seriously u ever thought how irritating that was? When we go out, u all never bothered with my opinions. Even my simple invitations to my 21st, For jax and freeman and jacob's, ur all no hesitation. Mine, ur intend to hesitate until last minute then gimme answer. brother until lidat i dun wan sua. your think i no need order food capacity? i dun nid catering capacity? My parents are doing the work and the least that i could have done is do the invitation.
becoz of these stuffs, i felt like an idiot. honestly, the lack of sincerity is what I see in you all. Apparently, I was wrong in you. I'm sorry if I wasted any of you people's time. But if this relation between us is as brittle as this, then I would say that the term: WE never existed in the first place.
Ever since I went to NTU, I feel so eff-ed up, becoz I am not there to find frens, but to make use of people to make me climb up to 1st class honors. I myself is an effed-up person too by saying this. School work is tough, I do things independently form my friends and most of the time alone. No9 will tell me that life cant be lived alone and a world without frens is so lonely. I replied him, in future, there will only be people following me, no one will lead me. i dun follow. I'm so... dunno.. its just that I am so tired with maintaining all these frenships and its not the first time that i rant about all this. Of course, i noe, deep in my heart, its a plethora of contradictions. I say this and yet my heart hopes the other way round. Just wad should I do? Am I wrong to rely too much on my brothers? Or a more appropriate question, did they even exist in the first place.
From the good things, I learnt how to be a thankful person. From the bad things, I learnt how to be a strong person. A side note. Credits to Jia yi's FB post.
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