Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Well, I re-lived my blog. I will have to rely on my blog much nowadays to relieve my emotional needs. You see, I live quite a sad life now. I hate very much the way I am right now. Honestly, l hate the society, the people and even my friends. I always try my best to do my best everyday, but in the very end my conclusion is still the same. I was never accepted. My life fucks me up.
FRIENDSHIP
i used to think that I have 10 brothers.
1. Kokwei
2. Willy
3. XuKang
4. Jackson
5. Jacob
6. Daryl
7. freeman
8. Chun Ming
9. Gabriel
10. Wei Lun
However, after many considerations, only the first 2 seems to be genuinely concerned with me. I am honestly disappointed with the rest of the others but probably the last 3 will listen to wad I have to say though. i used to hang out alot with 4 to 7. i realised they arent people I can live long with. Yes, they lend me money whenever I am in need, they ask me out, have fun, K-session for me to display my male high voices. But that was the fun part. They tend to neglect my emotional requirements. I tried not to talk to them after jackson's Birthday, see if they asked me out or talk to me. No more. Neither did they call or talk to me in FB. No news to update. they think I am lameshit. When they have things to share, I am always the last. I hate it. I appear to enjoy, but I dun. I have had enough. Jacob and Xukang dun care about me, Jackson only calls me out when he has no one to ask or when the rest are not free. Daryl oni contacts me once in a while or maybe never. I dun noe much how freeman sees me. There has been a period that they kept coming to my hse below to gym. I didnt think much, I thought they genuinely wanted to spend time with me. Now that I think of it, I was wrong. Very very wrong. I guess I was never important to them. Why am I so stupid? So wad if I entered NTU? So wad if I have friends when all of them dun make me happy? I put in effort for my friends, but what do I get in return? Nothing. Not even a genuine friendship. Sincerity and truthfulness really hits bottom low in these modern days apparently. Kokwei treats me the best, willingly forgive me for all the wrongs I have made. Willy apparently had done the same job. I had promised them that we are gonna be brothers for life. Been through thick and thin. It seems to me that I have to learn to read people's minds instead of naively believe what they are doing on the surface. that's it, friendship has already created a great big ruckus in my mind now. I felt like crying, but I have no one to cry to. But I guess I have to stay strong. I am a real man! And real men dun cry, they bleed. so yea. I am done with friends. (I have plans to delete FB too)
RELATIONSHIP
This, as you can see, explains another portion of my heart-ripping moments. I know that I dun have good exterior appearance, I am fat, have an unusually high voice, but I do not believe that these actually attribute to me being a turn off to girls. Its a wonder to me why Girls just generally do not fall for me but treats me more of their "sister". Honestly, I believe that girls in this modern society are increasingly Overconfident, arrogant and of course, materialistic. I used to hold this concept that my ideal girl is someone who loves me for who I am, someone who is willing to accept my flaws, someone who could reciprocate and constantly show appreciation. But apparently, I have not met any one girl that is like this thus far. This coupled with the way girls reject me when I propose to them and this made me lose confidence in girls. I just think that they are seriously Overconfident and treats us guys like trash. So this is the gender equality that the girls are asking for? Is that the equality that they strived for? To push away men's So called dominance and undermine their capabilities? Not that i am biased against the girls, but, what exactly are they trying to show us guys? Seriously. As men are from mars, women venus, I guess sometimes i am just trying too hard. God, I just wish all this could end. I wish i could say : It was only just a dream~ :(
Burning Hot** 3:34 AM
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